Last week I received two unexpected gifts in the mail. One was a belated Christmas present from a fellow priest who was looking for the perfect thing and definitely found it! The other was a book from someone in the community who thought I would appreciate the read. And I will.
These gifts were unexpected, which made them even nicer to receive. To be thought of and cared for is always so much more than the object that is sent. In fact, that is the essence of gift giving, not the gift itself but the building of relationships and memories.
Gifts are not transactional in the tradition sense. It is not in the spirit of giving to expect something of equal value or better in return. You give a gift to express a bond of love or friendship or common humanity. Once the gift is offered, the giver let’s go of control and invests in the hope of a stronger bond, a deeper sense of care. It isn’t about tit for tat. It is about generosity and care. Gift giving is an act of humility.
When a homeless person on the street asks you for a dollar, and you offer it, that is a gift, and you trust the person to use the gift as they see fit. Yes, they might spend it in a way that you would or would not choose, in a way that you think is not appropriate to their circumstances, but how do you really know what another person needs. If you give a gift, it is about relationship. If you give charity, it might be about control.
If what you really want is something in return, then you have to let the person know your expectations, We are not mind readers, it is only fair. I tell some of my boys gift choices they might purchase because it helps them. But I know that there is a difference between an offering of love and an obligation, and we are careful about conveying the love. Resentment over poor communication is not the fault of the other.
Valentines’ Day might be a time to look at our sense of generosity and what gift giving means for us. To examine our relationships and make sure they reflect out values, mutuality and respect. To shed some of the control that giving often is strangled by. To love is freedom and joy. Let’s reflect on that!