Author: Gayle Catinella

Once again gun violence hits close to home as another one of our local children is killed. As this kind of thing happens daily we shouldn’t be surprised. But when it happens in your backyard, so to speak, you can’t ignore it.

I hear people pointing fingers about why violence is so prevalent. Lots of blame. How can we fix that? How can we teach our children to value life, to treat people with dignity, to care? My personal answer to that is by how we behave as a community.

Youngstown is steeped in poverty. People are living in horrible conditions. There isn’t enough safe and affordable housing. People are hungry. Well paying jobs are all in the suburbs. Schools are struggling. Racism and discrimination are a health concern. Life for most of our city is very hard.

Yes, there are so many good people trying to make a difference. I hope to be considered one of them.

But the truth we do not want to face is that people in this city have been asking for better for generations. Nothing changes. The message is that people in need don’t matter.  And after a lifetime of hearing that, of experiencing it, of not being listened to, what can we expect but violence? Nothing else has worked.

People will let go of violence as an option when they have other options to choose from. Until then, we can expect anger, justified anger. Maybe if those if us who are comfortable got a little angry and made sure some real and life-giving changes actually happened, the violence in this community would lessen. I am praying and working for that, and I hope you are too.

This morning I had the honor of doing a graveside service for a descendant of a former Rector at St. John’s. The Rev. William Randall Kinder. The graveside service was attended by family members from all over the country who seemed like a lovely group of people.

After chatting for a while following the service, I made my way to my car, talking with a few family members. As they turned to go, I realized that somehow my car had locked itself, because I didn’t lock it. And that my keys and phone were in the car. Oh dear.

After determining that none of the people present were criminals, we tried to figure out a plan. What could have been lonely, contentious and panic-inducing was actually really a blast. Many attempts were made to get in, lots of ingenuity, lots of laughs, lots of storytelling. To no avail, but eventually a professional came and got the car unlocked.

I was thinking on my way back to the church how nice people are. I had never met this family. We had exchanged a few phone calls and lots of emails. But they were so kind to me. I just enjoyed being with them.

It also struck me that situations are what we make them. Odds are I would have been highly irritated by such a situation. Who wouldn’t be? But it had a happy ending because we made sure of it. The tow guy even gave me a discount. What I received was a blessing, and I was grateful for all of it.

Don’t tell me people are bad. I simply don’t believe it. Don’t tell me there isn’t a blessing in everything. That is not my experience. Every moment has possibility and resurrection held in it. We just have to open our eyes and our hearts.

When I was a senior in college I rented an apartment off campus with my friend Rose. It was a funky one bedroom with a lot of windows and a fireplace in the living room. I loved that space. We had many adventures. And whenever things got rough, we would have a glass or two of wine, and then throw the glasses in the fireplace. Watching them shatter was supremely satisfying, and wine glasses are cheap to replace.

These days I exercise to deal with the stresses and angers of life. Or call sympathetic friends. I try not to break things too often because I don’t want to clean it up. But I think everyone needs to be intentional about healthy ways to deal with our anger. There is a lot in this world to be frustrated about.

When I saw the pictures of the children who died in the Nashville shooting, my anger was back in full force. It defies reason that we can’t agree on practical and reasonable gun control, that we find any value in assault weapons, and that we worship an amendment rather than protect what was created in God’s image. I don’t understand and it makes me very angry.

And because this killing of our children happens like clockwork, it is hard to move past it. We are stuck in grief and horror so that we cannot move on. And the anger that comes from that runs deep in our souls. There are not enough wine glasses or exercise machines for that level of fury and fear.

I am not sure what I can do to make things better. Being stuck in anger is not a healthy thing, and to ignore reality is socially irresponsible. So we are somewhere in the middle with constant jabs into an already open wound, and seemingly no hope it will get better. Our only strategy seems to be to speak the truth when we can, encourage progress when it seems possible, and let our energy fuel a desire to keep working for peace, reconciliation, and a world that doesn’t solve it’s problems with violence. We resolve that this is a lifetime of work, we are all responsible, and we have to be peace if we want peace.

So I get on the treadmill every day and do my own work so that I can work for others. That has to be enough for now.

Recently I was at a party at my son’s house. It was family and his friends, and toward the end they started playing this game, What Do You Meme? It’s kind of like Apples to Apples. There is a picture and you have cards with funny captions, and you pick the caption you think best captures the picture for the person whose turn it is to judge. You win by having the most matches. Check it out, it’s fun.

The experience was humbling, playing as an older person with a group of sharp 30-somethings. There were occasional cultural references, some of a personal nature, that I had never heard. You know you are with good people when they can explain these things to you without shame.

There were references that were extremely funny to me that they didn’t appreciate, and vice versa. I actually did better than I thought predicting what young people would think was compelling. Overall, I learned from the differences in our perspectives. And we laughed a lot.

On the way home, I thought how seductive perception can be. We form our viewpoints from our experiences, which are fact. But how we interpret them is opinion, which is not fact. Our perspective is skewed by any number of things. It is easy, so easy, to think that because we believe it to be true, it is.

I was told recently that facts don’t matter, that perception is reality. Except that it is not. Perception is just an opinion that you think is true. Our responsibility is to check the facts and to submit our perspective to the community. When we test our theories and perspectives with people we trust, we can hear when we are being unfair, judgmental, or totally on point. We discern together the truth and how we can use it for the common good.

I am learning to check my perceptions, to be flexible in my perspectives and to be careful about how I construct my reality. The more we are in a safe and loving community, the easier this can be.

I have just returned from a fabulous trip, a lovely vacation. I am counting my blessings and acknowledging my privilege. I went to Italy, someplace I have always dreamed of going. And it did not disappoint.

One moment that stands out for me was in Florence. We were walking around, just taking in the sites after arriving by train and settling into our accommodations. As we wandered the streets, I heard singing, like real singing. Someone good.

We followed the music and there was a man singing arias with music in the background. He gathered quite a crowd. It was so beautiful, this music on the street, that it brought tears to my eyes. He had a basket for donations, and people were putting in some money. But it was nothing compared to what was being offered.

I was moved by his music but more by his generosity. He was sharing a tremendous gift for the pleasure of people passing by. He could hoard the gift, only use it transactionally, not share it at all. But he gave it away.

It made me wonder about my own generosity, and how freely I offer gifts which were freely given to me. Our society needs to cultivate a gracious and joyful ability to give without any guarantee of return.

As part of my Lenten prayer, I am going to try to offer myself more generously, and be sure I am giving with joy.

My mother, it seemed, knew every person in Darien, IL. She would and could talk to anyone. She had a genuine, perpetual smile. And for many years she sold advertising for the city newspaper. She tried to help small businesses reach their goals and spent hours listening not just to hopes and dreams, but stories about vacations and grandchildren and sick relatives.

My mother also listened to people she didn’t like. It was very hard to change her mind. My stubbornness comes from her. But because she wanted to understand people, and really cared, she took the time to get to know people better. Her first thought was compassionate, that a grumpy person must be going through something hard. And because she tried to stay open, she earned a lot of respect.

My mother was very successful in her job. She earned many awards and accolades. She was almost always the top seller in her office. She didn’t care so much about any of that. She felt good when she helped others. And she had a rich and joyful life with many friends because of it.

It seems so simple to be kind. It seems so little a thing to listen. And when we do, the benefits to us and the world are exponential. It is a practice; we have to work to be good at it. And sometimes it seems hard or overwhelming. But the more we invest, the more we will see returns. When you age you often think you are becoming your mother. In my case, that’s a good thing.

It’s still January for a few more minutes and while I am not a huge fan of New Year’s Resolutions, I do appreciate self-examination. So the question today is how does your spending reflect your values?

I started this train of thought because my son is getting married to a wonderful person. As we talked about their wedding plans, it became clear what was important to them. I was moved by their thoughtfulness. I also told them the things that were important to me, and significantly what I was willing to pay for as a contribution to the day.

What I valued was not a surprise to any of us, and I was happy to help in any way with their plans. That is also a value to me- supporting my family, lifting up their priorities, being together. And my credit card charges reflect that. They also reflect other things, like spending time with friends, eating good food, etc.

It isn’t about finding fault or feeling guilty. It’s about intention. It’s about making sure your values are clear to you and the world. Or maybe there is room for some change. You don’t know until you know.

Money is a powerful thing. A valuable tool. It can be used for holy purposes and good work, to build relationships, to support the common good. How do we appreciate its role in our lives and give it only the energy it deserves? Another good thing to reflect on.

I’m sure the upcoming wedding will provide many more opportunities for pondering in the coming months.

I have been worrying about money lately. It’s January, and that means budgets. It’s a challenging year for everyone, and that trickles down to the places people support. Tough decisions have to be made. Cuts and compromises. This is no different than we do in our own homes. But in a space that holds diverse needs and priorities, and every decision has pros and cons, things can get complicated. It feels like there is no good decision. And that is because there isn’t.

It isn’t anyone’s fault. I know some of my beloved clergy colleagues are taking this year hard. Church leadership feels extreme pressure to make everyone happy. But no one thing or one person caused global economic crisis, a pandemic, and the anxieties and griefs all the changes of the past 3 years brings. And there are no easy ways to fix the consequences.

Of course this calls to task our faithfulness. If we trust God enough certainly all will be well. But that is not what God promises. God promises to be with us in all things, good and bad. God promises to love us no matter what. Trust in God is never misplaced, but using that trust to sway God to a particular outcome is probably not a good strategy. All will be well. It is just not clear how.

My spiritual director asked me what this all means in terms of our (my) spiritual life. And I deeply believe that where we will be judged is by how we treat one another. Civility is the lowest bar. Will we really listen to opposing views? Will we treat with respect people with whom we disagree? Will we believe in each other, that we all want what is best for our beloved church? Will we love one another, and those whose lives we impact, as members of the Body of Christ?

I’m not sure what the answer to our money problems will be but I know that we need to build a foundation of growth and abundance, an attitude of respect and a genuine discernment of God’s will. We will have money issues every year. It’s the nature of church life that hard decisions always have to be made. I feel blessed to be wrestling with these hard questions with people who are kind and caring. If we take care of each other, the church will be fine.

Holding my church and your church in prayer during these challenging times.

I finally got my latest COVID booster. I had been waiting since August for a time I could be sick for a few days, because I heard this one was rough. Eventually you have to take your chances for the greater good. I was thinking of Boar’s Head in particular. And I got it, and was at work the next day with only minimal yuckiness.

I was telling a friend this story and she said there is a new COVID variant out there, heading straight for us like a hurricane. She had heard that the booster I just got didn’t help much against the newest strain. We talked about the choices we were making in terms of social gatherings and work schedules, and shrugged our shoulders. Who knows what is best?

When I got home I looked up information on the new variant, and the booster does help according to CNN. I was relieved about that. I wanted to think that everything was going to be fine, but that is simply something no one can say. I have been careful but doing mostly what I want to do. Maybe I should start wearing a mask again. My life is complicated by lots of large gatherings and the fact that I have grandkids I want to spend time with regularly.

Our current reality is that we live with a constant high level of anxiety. We pretend otherwise. Maybe we don’t even pay attention any more. But every day, every minute we could get sick and there is nothing we can do about it. And while in some ways that has always been true, maybe it also hasn’t been quite so scary.

This stress takes a toll on our lives, our health, our relationships. It eats away at our pretense of normalcy. It causes us to question things we never considered before-like the potential dangers of grocery shopping. It makes us wonder where God is in all of it.

And here is what God is saying to me about it—take care of yourself. Exercise and eat a healthy diet. Cherish your family and friends and tell them you love them. Do things that are meaningful and generous and make the world better. Be reasonable about your choices, savvy, with the right amount of caution. Stop expecting what we have called normal, and build something better.

Understand the toll of this anxiety beyond your control and be kind to yourself and others.   And choose your coping mechanisms with intention.

I have a mental health therapist. I started with her in the thick of the pandemic when I thought I might lose my mind. Now we meet once or twice a month online, and I get the support that I need to stay healthy. I am so grateful .

I am telling you this because I want you to know that being in therapy is a good thing. It is not a sign of failure, a sign of weakness, or something to be ashamed to admit. In these tridemic days when grief is still raw and no end is in sight, when things are not “back to normal”, we all need extra support and a sympathetic ear.

It is critical to take care of yourself. Depression is serious. Anxiety is serious. I was a clinical social worker for 10 years and 90% of my clients were people who just needed some extra support, or maybe to look at things through new eyes. People who needed to know that what they were experiencing was real and painful, and that with a few adjustments things would probably get better. We need to be heard. Our pain needs to be acknowledged. We need help, and that is normal!

As a society, we have suffered tremendous loss, uncountable griefs. We have had the rug pulled out from under us, and have no idea what normal means anymore. We keep getting disappointed. It’s a lot. And it is happening to everyone at the same time. Everyone is uncertain and grasping and struggling to breathe. There can be no healing until we recognize our communal and personal damage.

What I pray is that you take care of yourself. That you get the help you need. Be careful of the ways you medicate your sorrows and frustrations. Be gentle with your neighbor, who is feeling the same way. Understand your impulse to take your pain out on others, and be careful. I see this happening a lot. Let’s be wise about this reality.

I hope you have 3 people to call when things get bad (put me on your list). I hope you have a plan to find joy. I hope you exercise and eat well. I hope you have a therapist. Let’s pray for each other and support each other to do what we need to heal from the trauma of the last two years.