In our Lenten discussions we have been using the book “The Stories We Live” by Kathleen Cahalan. The book explores the many ways we learn what God is asking of us in the moment, offering us a vocation for now. We are reminded that we are never just one thing, never just called to be one thing. I am a priest, but also a mother, grandmother, friend, volunteer, etc.
I was struck last night by the realization that we are called by God in and through our suffering. None of us has an easy life. We all carry sorrows and griefs in the secret places of our hearts. We don’t put off loving and serving God until everything is settled and neat. Our most powerful callings come in the rawness of a moment, in the depth of our vulnerability.
Who knows better how to hold someone’s grief than one who has grieved? Who better understands the exhaustion of chronic pain than one who has been in pain? The situations are never the same, but they don’t have to be. We all know fear, we all know frustration, we all know pain and we all know sorrow. And through that, we have been loved. And through that, we can love.
Our prayer in those times of our own pain and in light of the pain of others is, how can I use this for the good? Who is in need of my understanding? Where would you have me now, God? How can I help with the compassion of my own sorrows? Ask and God will point the way. Ask and someone will appear who needs just what you can offer.
We want to be loved and understood. We don’t always see that the way to that is through the giving of ourselves as a holy and life-giving sacrifice. When we offer ourselves, it does not add to our pain, it balances it. God offers us comfort and compassion and love. And we pour that out generously in the world. That is the Christian life.
i renounce the rules
of lying down and getting up and sitting in the city gate
i renounce the rules
of who may go and who may stay and who may speak about it
rules are not for such as me
who stir the water of complacency
and dance as the sun goes down
karen
I have been witness to the grief of several families recently. No loss is easy, it
doesn’t matter if it is sudden or expected. I am always grateful when families have
had a chance to talk about dying and death and all that implies. So often, people
put that off because it isn’t going to happen tomorrow. But truly, you never know.
Our bodies are not meant to last forever. And even if you are young, you just
cannot count on 50 more years.
So I encourage you, when there is relaxed and spacious amounts of time, when
you are not worried about saying the right thing, to ask a few questions. Here are
the ones I think are most important:
There are no right or wrong answers to those questions, except maybe the last
one. As people have moved away from church life, they are less inclined to want a
full funeral service, and I hear more and more people saying their loved one
wanted nothing at all. Very hard to compromise with that position.
But here is what we need to remember, our funeral or memorial service is not for
us. Those who have died no longer need consolation, they are with their Loving
God, and know only joy. It is those of us who remain that need to support each
other in our grief. And do to that we need to gather. So understand that the right
answer might be anything, as long as it is something. For me, I want a spectacular
church service with beautiful music and a short sermon, I want to be cremated,
and I want my ashes dug into a garden. And I want, instead of a grave, to dedicate
in my honor a park bench in a place where people might need to rest.
Talk about this with people you love. It will make their lives, and your life, so
much easier when they lose you.