When my son Phil was about 8, his elementary school started a wrestling club. He and his brothers were interested so we signed them up. It was right after school and I would watch them practice when I could. I always saw the same thing.
At the start of the practice the coach would demonstrate whatever he wanted them to learn, and then broke them up into smaller groups and had them work on the new skill. When I watched Phil, he would always lose the first round, and then he would pin that person the second time around in about a minute. Then the opponent would win, and then Phil would win. It was clear that Phil was almost always the better wrestler by far, and not just because I am his mother. But he would always let the opponent win as much as he did.
As I caught on to what was actually happening I casually mentioned to Phil that this was not how it was supposed to go. You know, winning was the point. And he would just smile, like I had a lot to learn. His gentle generosity has always been a moving example for me, and I am grateful for it.
In so many ways right now, winning seems to be the most important thing. There are no concessions, and very little discussion. You either agree with me or you are wrong, and if you disagree with me enough, I will block you and find an opinion more to my liking. Our country has lost its ability to listen with reasonable respect. We have lost the center and live in the extremes, and it is literally killing us.
What I find most disheartening is the binary view that there are nice people or not nice people, good people or bad people. We see this represented in the choice to wear masks, how you imagine the future of policing, or views on racism. Depending on your point of view, you are good and the other person is bad. And we can’t seem to get past that.
I know people who hold views and make choices very different from my own. I know they are good people who do good things in the world. The blessing of knowing them is the reminder that there are not just two choices, good and bad, right and wrong, my way or the highway. I see that they are wonderful parents, generous to the community, kind to elders, reading the same book I am reading. I see that there are more potential connections than I might have realized but only because I looked past what we disagree on.
But we have to look, I have to want to find this connection and respect. It is certainly easier to say that they are “them” and dismiss them as tragically mislead. I am not saying that we have to then come to an agreement on everything. I will probably not change my position much. That isn’t the goal. The goal is respect and seeing good in everyone and believing in the good in everyone. The goal is the possibility of compromise and civility in a world that is desperate for just that. Maybe the goal is staying in a conversation for more than a few minutes.
Here is the bottom line, it doesn’t matter who wins in November if we don’t do the work of becoming a democracy again. A democracy where everyone is valued, where everyone has a right to their own opinion, where the common good is our goal, where we don’t have to agree but we have to take care of each other. If we don’t do this, we will continue this freefall into selfishness and worship of our individual rights that can only lead to violent tyranny.
So how do we do this? We listen more than we talk, we don’t dismiss people because we know they are different. We hold to a standard of kindness and compassion that moves us past judgement. But mostly we have conversations that are specifically about finding what we share and value, finding the connections. There is a deep bond that is created when we listen to someone’s story.
I am tired of the hatred, tired of the meanness, tired of the cruelty. I am ready to listen. Tell me your story. There is more to be done, but we can start there.